Tinder

A lapse of time, crystallized in half moon.
Shoulders cringe in pity maroon.

A spirit tied up in morale, let loose.
Face down, a gritty soul, gone morose.

Kuzhi of Luck

Ignorance.  Innocence.  Patience.

Mummy has always been the lil one of the house. Literally.

She is the first to receive raised voices.

The first to find lost things.

The first to forget and forgive.

The first to cry, the first to laugh.

The first beauty of our home.

Last night I was fighting with her!

“I want the whole bed to myself. Go sleep with your darling” - I said.

“Oh I din’t want you to sleep alone” – she said.

The night before, her face vivid with contours, a faint picture of her underlying facial skull, her eyes deepened in the hollow, surrounded by the over tinge of darkness, her complexion freckled, her strands whiter than never. She’s changed! She’s old.

In a matter where I jus blinked my eye, where I jus pulled her down the sands of Poovar, where I’ve envied her sun polished zwai of her skin. She did not pass her genes.

She looks at a random picture from an old album I’ve put together and says “evlo quuut, antha kuzhi vizhundha romba athirshtam.” Picture – me as a toddler, with an evident grin, revealing a pair of burrows deeply set on either side of my once idli cheeks. Unfaded, the furrows still exist to date, less attractive!

It’s a deformity ma, I thought. You’ve given birth to a daughter of deformities, including the deformity of not having your zwai gene. Enna lucky????

I pondered.

A journey through a land of sly rain, a land of unravelling chill, a land of muddled scientists, a land of historical secrets, a land of oversize… and still brings me back to you, dad, the family that beckons. Yes I am lucky.

A journey through perpetual argue of decisions, chaotic emotions, silent fights, love and letting go…. And still back to revisiting them all, coz I never learn, Yes I am lucky.

Wise crack

A crawl a jitter a step a skip a hop, I sprint. Mountains unscaled.
A boo a stutter a word a phrase a story, I toast.  Speeches unvoiced.
A point a scribble a word a para an article, I author. Journals unwritten.
A tooth a pimple a bump a curve an adult, an adult I’ve become.

Paths untaken, roads discovered, lost, learnt, unlearnt…a blurry vision.
Walls built, caves dug, glum, awake, drowned… a chaotic rumble.
Unnerved, tied, a shiver petrified… a mutter mouth.
The mound, pounded, eternally bound   … a looming cloud.
Adult. I’ve become, an adult, indeed! 

Two Worlds

An expanse, a sheet of shimmering silver.
Wrapped in rose, the breeze I quiver.

By far a sight foregoes horizon.
Pole to pole a bond tied in unison.

A day, the orange fading in luminescense.
Rising into the white, a peace in reminiscence.

A chorus echoing in depths of land partitioned in blue and green.

60 Days...

Knocking the door frantically, carrying million things that two hands can possibly not hold and almost pleading in despair for someone to open the door, hoping the good soul on the other side provides me some shelter and water to quench my thirst (read cozy couch and yummy evening snacks). Well, that’s jus over dramatizing my entry back home on a casual weekday after work!

Jan 23^rd Thursday evening 8:00 wasn’t any different. That good soul called mum, opened the door provided me the cozy couch and hmm not so yummy snacks though ;). Dad, the lion of the house gloating not so gloriously in the living room, showing off his dark skinned bare hairy chest that goes in absolute contrast with his while lungi… and on the dhiwan, my older sis, yes.. my sister who was born 4.5 years after me but looks older to me (ha the joy of gleaming pride wen old aunties in weddings come up to me and ask if I am the younger of the two daughters!). Digressing. Yes, my sister on the dhiwan working on her final year architecture project (so not!), her hands busy shuttling between fast whatsapping on her Galaxy Grand and styling her brunette locks. Amidst the koo kooing of birds from Nat Geo channel and the ever buzz of the grinding machine from the kitchen, I could hear my dad say “60 days”. While it made no sense to me as I left the room, living with the man for 26 years I should have known his subtlety behind every passing remark. And I did!

That leaves me to 60 days… back.

Nov 23^rd Saturday morning 9:30 - When the highway roads were pretty empty, lazy men in lungi puffing their way to glory with unbrushed teeth and responsible women clumsily clad in nighties with mouths overflowing Colgate foam, I was enjoying the sight, the music and the loneness of driving at 100kmph. Gleaming with a sense of ownership of the road and million thoughts getting to rest with every swishing past vehicle, with the noise of air pressure trying to engulf my face… every nerve rushing in adrenaline, this is all I want… like a King! Only that I ain’t a King!

Taking a right turn, still at awe with my control over everything, my thoughts, my driving (given my track road of aggressive driving)… I see green at distance. Growing green targeted towards me… and faint bleats and frantically stamping hooves! The green of the government bus grew nearer. Him, the god behind the wheels, putting his driving skills to test and gloat in glory, overtook past the bleating goat herd whose hooves were panicking to the other side of the road. Towards me, my pleasant dew colored not so new highly overused hatch back, the green giant impelling… my mind, ever so clear as a crystal mind, ever so uncomplicated, pressed on to one thought in clarity and compelled the pressure to the bakes! I am not dying today, today is not the day!

And I remember everything, me and my dew beauty traversed off road, nose diving to the 3 feet low lands… scraping off some unkempt, overgrown bushes… starting a whirl spin my hands up the hood over me, as though that would help if the hood gives way into… contents of my bag strewn all over… the bottle of vanilla mist bumping my head… car indicators wary… wiper frenzy… the pirouette came to a halt successfully completing 360^o… left door ajar, my hands dutifully freed me from the seat belt... tearing the aux cable connected to my hand phone... I set myself free… running out! The sinking fear of a car blow, I’m out safe!

Jan 23^rd Thursday – 60 days later…
After cries of ‘god’s grace’, ‘miracle, you were meant to do something extraordinary’…
After strangers feeding water, dropping me to a safe point, taking care…
After tens of calls to road patrol, insurance company, service center…
After angry gestures, declaring words of my stupidity, blankness from mother…
After undying mild attacks of panic, gasping for air, introspecting life…
The only person who is completely agitated by the very thought of the incident is the Father of the aggressive, stupid yet steady daughter behind the wheels of her dewy Santro.

VENOM

 

On the other side of the door, when you peeped through the pin hole, I dint know your suspicion.

As you opened up, when your head slid gently through the growing gap, I dint know your surprise.

Forgetting yourself, when you coyly showed me around your living, I dint know your acceptance.
Your eyes affixed to mine, when you pushed aside my strand of hair, I dint know your inquisitiveness.

Fumbling your steps, when you tried to put your arm around me, I dint know your protectiveness.
Your heart racing, when you walked along catching up with my pace, I dint know your happiness.

In deep plunge, when you felt the shock on your lips, I dint know your passion.
Sweat welling up your forehead, when you locked your eyes, I dint know it was you.  

Love!

Too naive, too imbecile, too good to true…                   
I unnoticed you, disregarded you and let you slip by my fingers.

 
Too bold, too aggressive, too blind and blue...

I entrusted you, behold you and you walked your back away.

Too lost, too delusioned, I gripped you…                                                                                                     
You stabbed, you spat and you squandered away.          

I broke, I maundered and lost all hope…
You flew, you laughed and you were waiting in disguise.

I grew, grew vulnerable, longing for you...       
You caught my back with uncertainty, trapping me, suffocating me.

You blotched me red with your spite.

You smeared me black with your venge.

You slandered me blue with your venom!

Painted Blue!

Roughly 8 years back...

Clad in a pink + peach + tinge of mauve* coloured salwar kameez and neatly pressed checked waist coat, I was among the group of people with intimidated spirits yet proud demeanor, marching into the building of superiority, of captaincy, of our turn of bullying lil school kids and of exclusive rest rooms. As Queens throned in ergonomically designed one armed chairs, we saw the jester of the court perform his debut. The image of the front balded, blood shot eyed, spittle dipped moustached face and the alarmingly ringing "Aaargaaanick chemistrieeeeee....caaarbun hund itssss caaampoundsss" is etched in my memory as it would have been with 78 other brains of the court. Ah! How can I forget jester's OHville? Filled with test tubes of concoction and chinaware of blue hued salts and acrid, pungent, rotten egg smelling atmosphere and his lil assistant ‘the cckrooooomayil kiloridddd’ lady!

*I actually found out the exact colour - Nadeshiko pink

Drenched in the showers of hilarity or I should rather explicitly say “showers of spit” we settled down for yet another act of entertainment. And there she enters! The opera house singer! Her dreamy eyes karoaked a lullaby and as we drowse in the melody… a ‘centriiifuuuuuuugalllllll and centriiipeeeeetallll force’ shriek brought us back to the reality of physics!

Yes! Memories of Super Senior phase mostly blanketed around the aforementioned jester and the opera singer and the clowns they produced! (if you know wat I mean!)

But, the best part of any entertainment is the company with whom we shared. As such, a company to secretly laugh and hide behind mouth wipes, a company to grunt into people’s years, a company to go ‘oh so cuuute’ and fall off our beloved cycles… I had 3 buddies!

Bright blue painted palms, glitter smudged face and a mole smeared jus rightly on the cheek! Her Srilankan dusk skin is still a carpet of sun glowing sand! The 2 glory years of ultimate fun and self revelation as a sporty tomboy from a calm ‘ramanujam’ geek can well be credited to the new girl in the group – Sajreena!

A mood of rainbow, a mood of naughtiness, a mood of utterly nonsensical oscar speeches, a mood of character sketches out of ‘the opera singer’s’ interconnected lines, a mood of giggling over ‘filomeeenas’ of class, a mood of blushes over lunch time ‘partition’.. .and put together is a flush of COPPER NITRATE BLUE – Attractive, elegant, cheerful, bright and exclusive – that’s Saj! That was Saj to me! Crayoning a shade of her ‘BLUE’ in my life! The new girl…Oh! No more so new! A part of my girl gang, my world!!

The sleepovers, the movies, the beach drives, the CCD hang outs, etc etc year after year had shown me Saj as the ever vibrant attitudette, but had failed to show the sensitivity she holds at great inside her. And the year that had just gone by proved me jus that!

The calmness behind her moist eyes is a mask to her thoughts mumbling inside, thoughts of care, love and friendship and I couldn’t ask more from her when I was in her rummaging thoughts behind her moist eyes. I can’t remember the last time when a friend had genuinely cried for me and I’m privileged enough to declare that my friend Saj did it for me and I’m more than fortunate to have Saj in my life.

Recently I made a trip with Saj and with Priyanka a friend of mine and I should say that it was one of the most enjoyable experiences! Over a lil chit chat, Priyanka mentioned how she found the bond between me and Saj overwhelming. Beyond the yapping and more yapping between 2 girl friends, she said that the calmness, respect and care we share for each other was admirable!

That is a compliment to the friendship bond that Saj and I share! Which I would take for the rest of the years to come!

On a closing note – Saj, I might not be the friend to hug you, lay a peck on your cheek and shout out ‘I love you’ but never fail to know that you’re a friend best loved, you’re a friend I regret I met late in life…… Thanks for being there for me! :)