At the stroke of 12, the break of my birthday dawn, an “unknown number” flashed on my battery drained cell phone. Ah! Instantly I knew the voice, as a feeble tone wished me for the special day. It was the Midget I knew once! Not very long ago. Shuttling between the dreamy lands of American soil, dancing with German ladies and probably getting stranded in the hot springs of South Korea, Midget- I prefer calling Iggu midget, had been busy globetrotting. I had almost forgotten he existed. Hmmm ‘Forgotten’ is not the word… may be ‘overlooked’. But I knew, when Midget talked to me, he loved talkin to me and I welcomed the call graciously and made no qualms about my non-existence in his life for some time.
The months or life that followed the night conversation broke a dawn of a realization, long hidden amongst my cerebral cells. That night, lil Midget kept rambling that he had no friend to look for when he was wrapped in the loneliness of an alien land. And that he was buried in the assumption that people hate him. “Lil Midget, I blame you”, I said. “Why don’t you fly out of your cocoon and make an effort to keep in touch with people whom you consider friends?” He kept quiet. Midget brushed aside the fact that friends recognize you only when you recognize them. Midget only envied me, saying that I was smothered by the love of umpteen friends! And yeah, I threw the pride on myself, that it is true. “I have soooo many friends and I’m so fortunate to have the best of them”
Lil midget, sorry I told you this. You might have felt so belittled and ignored given your state. But Midget, my iguana pet, read on… read on why I have or rather say maintain so many friends, and you’ll know where you and I stand.
I’m ignorant, reserved and usually lost in my own imaginative world or succumbed to plain emptiness until people come find me as an ‘oh-so-witty’, ‘oor-suthifyin’ girl. And that’s when people take me to be a friend. Owing to my true self, they still know that I have a head like a polished chair! Don’t take me to be bald, Midget. Folks find a comfortable pose and sit right there. Yes, on my head! They know, lil midget, that they can sit tightly on top there, they know I’ll bear the weight, they know I can take their farts, they know I won’t whine when they poke me with their cowboy boots, and I will still be there to stick a hankie up on their face when I see them cry.
I’ve been thru a phase like “Oh, you’re not my friend, you jus come along for lunch break”, thru a phase where I had a gang of friends for a school excursion and none realized that I was totally sick and had no energy to take another step for site-seeing, thru a phase where ‘friends’ didn’t realize I can be good enough to get a 100 in the math paper. I’ve heard “Cha, you wouldn’t have got, stop lying”, thru a phase where I heard a friend behind my back declaring “I have never seen such a person who didn’t stand for a friend” obviously indicating me, when I tried to protect her from a rogue whom she ticked off with her haughty behavior. I’ve been thru a phase when a friend showed her middle finger and said ‘Jus, for the fun of it’, thru a phase where a friend raised her brow and gave a demeaning look for fish-knows-what reason!, thru a phase where I wait with a growling stomach to have lunch with a friend caught up in work and the next day I dint see them waiting for me wen I was late! I’ve been thru a phase when friends adore their newly found mates and where I only have been insulted for not bonding with them. I’ve been thru a phase where friends give room for misconceptions and find jus another reason to condemn you as though a grave crime was committed, thru a phase where friends do not trust you, thru a phase where none of my friends could read behind my glistening eyes that I had been in a depressed phase.
Too sensitive I am, all this pricks and pokes me. Then, lil Midget, you might as well want to slap me hard across my face and say “Then get the fish out of all this!!” I say that to myself too, dear iguana. I wish I could stop crooning. But, you know, that I was raised in believing people and that no matter what, friends are not worth the anger, the hatred, the loss!
Amongst all these pricks and pokes, dear Midget…. I only remember friends who dint abandon me in the school excursion, the 2 friends who shared a 2-seater couch with me in the theatre, the friends who shut my mouth when I was talkin ill of the auto driver who would have probably bashed me otherwise, the friends who told me “Don’t keep that long face….that is so not you”, the friends who rightly pop up to take me for an ice-cream when they know when I’m coffined in my 3 ft cubicle, the friends who held my head while crying, the friends who mopped and drained my vomit, the friends who hit the shit out of me when I went bonkers, the friends who wanted me to get me back on my feet, the friends who called up after I revealed a secret and said “Nish.. dunno wat to say, But we love you!”, the friends who re-assured that I’m worth more and lastly the friend jus last night dropped a msg “I know you’re already snorin to glory…but Goodnight Nish!” My daddy gave me the sweetest name ever - NISHA! But my friends.. my friends christened me with names as Nishi, Nishesh, Nizammuddin, Vayaapuri, Jackie, Ajit Agarkar, Lizzy, Gundu, etc etc. It makes me special!
Don’t you see dear lil Midget….that friends are there ever! Probably they weren’t there at the right time to see sadness in my eyes… I wouldn’t have been either. Probably they wouldn’t have been in the right spirits to accept a folly I had made…. I wouldn’t have been either. Probably they would have been succumbed to misunderstandings… I would have been too. So are they drumming about complaining? Probably yes…. I might have been doing that too. But through all this, I accept my friends and will stand for them, as they would for me(Or even if they dont!)!*
And that is why my puny indecisive pet Midget…..they say; you lose some to gain more!!
*Conditions apply – ‘Without losing my self-respect’
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Fade Away!
Hazy sky, smoky clouds
Crystal clear faces
All beholds.
Seen places, longing emotions
Takes up paces
A story unfolds.
Ha! a movie
I wish, a fantasy.
A climatic treachery
Thrown at, in mockery.
A creepy lot
I pick you from,
With wretched plot
Another one.
In my head
A seeming mound,
An inception dread
Again around.
Oh, ugly dream!
Fade away.
Lure back in my stream,
Only as a fairy tale.
Crystal clear faces
All beholds.
Seen places, longing emotions
Takes up paces
A story unfolds.
Ha! a movie
I wish, a fantasy.
A climatic treachery
Thrown at, in mockery.
A creepy lot
I pick you from,
With wretched plot
Another one.
In my head
A seeming mound,
An inception dread
Again around.
Oh, ugly dream!
Fade away.
Lure back in my stream,
Only as a fairy tale.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Deserved Runaway
The innumerous exams that we penned down are an instant reminder when we think about education. And the results or marks that were associated with it were a reflection of our intelligence? Or hard work? Or mugging capacity?
When I was in school these marks depicted a rather strange introspection of myself. It depicted what I deserve as a person! If I had got a 54 in Geography or a 91 in Math, it mirrored what I deserved to get in the respective subjects irrespective of the knowledge I had or the hard work I put in.
I simply mean to say that, even if I had sat all night and sweated out to dump all the books in my brain, I knew that I would end up getting the same results. Coz exams and percentages graded me what I ought to have. It was something predetermined and no efforts of mine will change that.
Now, past school, past college…. I seem to be out of exams and marks. Am I really out of it? Isn’t every small crisis in life is an exam by itself?? And the verdict is the results! And during each of these crisis the outcome is what I deserved completely.
I let people to influence me and take control of my decisions, my life… whether it turned out to be a blossoming rose or a slush hole, is what I got and is what I deserved.
I let my thoughts to control my decisions, my action… whether it led me to create once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or to throw that million-dollar opportunity, is what I did and is what I deserved.
I let my emotions to rule my decisions, my relationships… whether it turned out to be so sweet that I failed to forgive myself, or it turned out to be so sour that I failed to forget, is what it happened and is what I deserved.
And all through... I ran away, I ran away from myself!
When I was in school these marks depicted a rather strange introspection of myself. It depicted what I deserve as a person! If I had got a 54 in Geography or a 91 in Math, it mirrored what I deserved to get in the respective subjects irrespective of the knowledge I had or the hard work I put in.
I simply mean to say that, even if I had sat all night and sweated out to dump all the books in my brain, I knew that I would end up getting the same results. Coz exams and percentages graded me what I ought to have. It was something predetermined and no efforts of mine will change that.
Now, past school, past college…. I seem to be out of exams and marks. Am I really out of it? Isn’t every small crisis in life is an exam by itself?? And the verdict is the results! And during each of these crisis the outcome is what I deserved completely.
I let people to influence me and take control of my decisions, my life… whether it turned out to be a blossoming rose or a slush hole, is what I got and is what I deserved.
I let my thoughts to control my decisions, my action… whether it led me to create once-in-a-lifetime opportunity or to throw that million-dollar opportunity, is what I did and is what I deserved.
I let my emotions to rule my decisions, my relationships… whether it turned out to be so sweet that I failed to forgive myself, or it turned out to be so sour that I failed to forget, is what it happened and is what I deserved.
And all through... I ran away, I ran away from myself!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Awake from the Oblivion
The cloud of comfort awaits me,
Seducing me to stretch, like an imbecile feline.
The pillow of dreams remind me,
Of percepted fantasies, like an inception unfolded.
The blanket of warmth ropes me,
Wrapping me to immortality, like an invisible cloak.
I lay there to be immersed in the bliss of oblivion…
And the ticking clock awakes me to fall back to the stinging reality,
As I welcome yet another half-past-eleven sleepless night!
Seducing me to stretch, like an imbecile feline.
The pillow of dreams remind me,
Of percepted fantasies, like an inception unfolded.
The blanket of warmth ropes me,
Wrapping me to immortality, like an invisible cloak.
I lay there to be immersed in the bliss of oblivion…
And the ticking clock awakes me to fall back to the stinging reality,
As I welcome yet another half-past-eleven sleepless night!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Never Broken
You ripped my pounding heart with a sting ray whip,
I lost the mortal beat.
But I held on to you.
You spurted the blood wrath with a snake venom spit,
I writhed in the caustic splash.
But I held on to you.
You flurried the fiery flames with a dragon exhale,
I charred in the scorching burns.
But I held on to you.
I’m barbed… I’m agonized…I’m helpless as you shattered my way.
But I held on to you… and will hold on to you dear TRUST.
Coz I never forget to remember that once you made my day!
I lost the mortal beat.
But I held on to you.
You spurted the blood wrath with a snake venom spit,
I writhed in the caustic splash.
But I held on to you.
You flurried the fiery flames with a dragon exhale,
I charred in the scorching burns.
But I held on to you.
I’m barbed… I’m agonized…I’m helpless as you shattered my way.
But I held on to you… and will hold on to you dear TRUST.
Coz I never forget to remember that once you made my day!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Invincible She
Mightiness of a squadron,
She could dagger the feuds, she could move boulders,
Until emotions drown her!
Indomitable as a Spartan,
She could meek the kings, she could dare the devil,
Until desire engulf her!
Fierce as an Eagle,
She could vision the sun; she could brave the storms,
Until guilt smother her!
Unstoppable as a Volcano,
She could venge nature, she could wreak havoc,
Until love suffocate her!
Powerless as a Human,
She cower, cringe and wince,
Until death succumbs her!
She could dagger the feuds, she could move boulders,
Until emotions drown her!
Indomitable as a Spartan,
She could meek the kings, she could dare the devil,
Until desire engulf her!
Fierce as an Eagle,
She could vision the sun; she could brave the storms,
Until guilt smother her!
Unstoppable as a Volcano,
She could venge nature, she could wreak havoc,
Until love suffocate her!
Powerless as a Human,
She cower, cringe and wince,
Until death succumbs her!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Uncried tears
The last traces of religious beliefs purged out as she decided it to be
But that glooming night, her neck bore back the rosary for whom to see?
Every boulder thrown at her, she let it fall on her, she let it hurt her,
She rose up from the debris.
She lived through it.
The bitter regrets that will never fade away,
The untold promises that will never be kept,
The uncried tears that will never be fathomed,
The kinship that the years will never bring…
She will live through it.
The hugs that comforted her,
The words that emboldened her,
The cries that soothed her,
Nothing can unfold the pain.
Nothing will assuage it to be the same.
She will live through it.
But that glooming night, her neck bore back the rosary for whom to see?
Every boulder thrown at her, she let it fall on her, she let it hurt her,
She rose up from the debris.
She lived through it.
The bitter regrets that will never fade away,
The untold promises that will never be kept,
The uncried tears that will never be fathomed,
The kinship that the years will never bring…
She will live through it.
The hugs that comforted her,
The words that emboldened her,
The cries that soothed her,
Nothing can unfold the pain.
Nothing will assuage it to be the same.
She will live through it.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Other side of coin
Atop the rocky mountain, she stood with austere pleasure of achievement.
Facing the odds of a treacherous journey, she reached the pinnacle of glory.
Discombobulated in the myriad of words, she left her life to the toss of a coin.
The red carpet road was decided and she delusively zipped her bags to go off.
The dawns broke faster, the nights slept rapidly, the day to her fanciful life was jus tomorrow.
But all she saw was the gleaming pride of the man who carried her since her birth.
Somehow that made her flap her wings to the unwilling destination.
The indomitable drive shadowed, her ambition and excitement carried her across the sea.
The wondrous island mystified her and she was upheaved by the change.
Alas, the change took toll otherwise, between struggle of her acumen and heart’s call, only one thought ringed…
Why wasn’t it the other side of the coin??
Facing the odds of a treacherous journey, she reached the pinnacle of glory.
Discombobulated in the myriad of words, she left her life to the toss of a coin.
The red carpet road was decided and she delusively zipped her bags to go off.
The dawns broke faster, the nights slept rapidly, the day to her fanciful life was jus tomorrow.
But all she saw was the gleaming pride of the man who carried her since her birth.
Somehow that made her flap her wings to the unwilling destination.
The indomitable drive shadowed, her ambition and excitement carried her across the sea.
The wondrous island mystified her and she was upheaved by the change.
Alas, the change took toll otherwise, between struggle of her acumen and heart’s call, only one thought ringed…
Why wasn’t it the other side of the coin??
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Myself
Far yet so near, I see the flight of the bird…
I see myself, I see my freedom!
Beneath the glistening eyes, I see the curve of the lips…
I see myself, I see my happiness!
Across the busy road, I see the skip of the child…
I see myself, I see my innocence!
Glancing through the crowd, I see the hug of the couple…
I see myself, I see my desire!
Around the corner, I see the longing of an extended hand…
I see myself, I see my solitude!
Beyond my ears, I see the unspoken word of the hurt…
I see myself, I see my sadness!
Under the cloud of showered brightness of silver lining...
I see myself, I see life's truth!
I see myself, I see my freedom!
Beneath the glistening eyes, I see the curve of the lips…
I see myself, I see my happiness!
Across the busy road, I see the skip of the child…
I see myself, I see my innocence!
Glancing through the crowd, I see the hug of the couple…
I see myself, I see my desire!
Around the corner, I see the longing of an extended hand…
I see myself, I see my solitude!
Beyond my ears, I see the unspoken word of the hurt…
I see myself, I see my sadness!
Under the cloud of showered brightness of silver lining...
I see myself, I see life's truth!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
How can I say???
Reading thru her words, how could I explain in what grave pain I was, than wat she had felt for the lost brother, disappointed father and the heart that pines for that one friend.
How could I explain that I knew jus exactly how she felt and how she would have expected a word from a friend and how I knew that talkin to her was the best thing that I could have done for her at the right moment?
Everything known and felt, how lame a reason can I give that I dint do anything I said?
Should I say that I was celebrating a niece's Birthday, sumptuously enjoing the truffle cake?
Should I say that I was deepy exoticized by that 'Sunday mornin' sleep?
Should I say that I was beautifying myself as someone cut my once long locks?
Should I say that I had no time for her amongst all this?
Don't I have time for the friend I've always considered special? Then why..... ?
Can I ask her to open and see my heart?
Would it show her what I felt?
Showin no pity, no signs of disturbance, in recent times, over a random person's death..., why would I call Nirosh and tell how I can't believe that Tin Tin is gone & jus yesterday I was telling a friend abt him?
How much I wanted to call Noosh... but knowing that I suck big time in consoling. Is it wrong that I felt that she would be better off alone, respecting her words? Carrying the guiltiness, I read thru her words.. her words of utmost grief, and a truth slapped right across my face, a truth I've always known, only that words couldn express....... that I know that I'm not the best friend... I will never be the one that she and I claim ourselves to be.
How I feel lik a dagger ripping my heart off.. more than wat I could've felt for being called the 'foolish slut'!!! I can never explain my dear friend.....
We all know that thoughts and feelings better shows off the true love..... don't we also know that its the most challenging thing to do? Nobody can ever show the love which we would like it the way to receive. That does not in a speck of time mean that you're a bad friend Noosh. Its a harsh fact that we are of the highest order of living animal kingdom.... 'HUMAN'. Human heart and mind that cries out for more love!!!
How could I explain that I knew jus exactly how she felt and how she would have expected a word from a friend and how I knew that talkin to her was the best thing that I could have done for her at the right moment?
Everything known and felt, how lame a reason can I give that I dint do anything I said?
Should I say that I was celebrating a niece's Birthday, sumptuously enjoing the truffle cake?
Should I say that I was deepy exoticized by that 'Sunday mornin' sleep?
Should I say that I was beautifying myself as someone cut my once long locks?
Should I say that I had no time for her amongst all this?
Don't I have time for the friend I've always considered special? Then why..... ?
Can I ask her to open and see my heart?
Would it show her what I felt?
Showin no pity, no signs of disturbance, in recent times, over a random person's death..., why would I call Nirosh and tell how I can't believe that Tin Tin is gone & jus yesterday I was telling a friend abt him?
How much I wanted to call Noosh... but knowing that I suck big time in consoling. Is it wrong that I felt that she would be better off alone, respecting her words? Carrying the guiltiness, I read thru her words.. her words of utmost grief, and a truth slapped right across my face, a truth I've always known, only that words couldn express....... that I know that I'm not the best friend... I will never be the one that she and I claim ourselves to be.
How I feel lik a dagger ripping my heart off.. more than wat I could've felt for being called the 'foolish slut'!!! I can never explain my dear friend.....
We all know that thoughts and feelings better shows off the true love..... don't we also know that its the most challenging thing to do? Nobody can ever show the love which we would like it the way to receive. That does not in a speck of time mean that you're a bad friend Noosh. Its a harsh fact that we are of the highest order of living animal kingdom.... 'HUMAN'. Human heart and mind that cries out for more love!!!
Monday, March 1, 2010
To be with you!
I came to you, waiting at the corner street…
To feel the beauty of love, within me beat.
But, you left me uncherished!
I came to you, lost amongst the city crowd…
To feel the complitude of me, in your loud.
But, you left me untouched!
I came to you, searching for the ear to listen…
To feel the comfort of silence, in you that glisten.
But, you left me unresolved!
I came to you, burdening unteared cries…
To feel the magic of life, in your eyes.
But, you left me unloved!
To feel the beauty of love, within me beat.
But, you left me uncherished!
I came to you, lost amongst the city crowd…
To feel the complitude of me, in your loud.
But, you left me untouched!
I came to you, searching for the ear to listen…
To feel the comfort of silence, in you that glisten.
But, you left me unresolved!
I came to you, burdening unteared cries…
To feel the magic of life, in your eyes.
But, you left me unloved!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Loser
Is it wrong that I chose to be cocooned in love of my family?
Is it wrong that I chose to be blushed in warmth of my city?
Is it wrong that I chose to be serened in chaos of my sanity?
Is it wrong that I chose to be purified in status of my sensitivity?
Is it wrong that I chose to be pauperized in wealth of my ingenuity?
Is it wrong that I chose to be glided in wings of my liberty?
Is it wrong that I chose to be pampered in dreams of my destiny?
Is it wrong that I chose to be survived in passion of my vivacity?
Is it wrong to be what I want to be?
If it is... Yes! I am a loser!
Loser in the masked world!
Is it wrong that I chose to be blushed in warmth of my city?
Is it wrong that I chose to be serened in chaos of my sanity?
Is it wrong that I chose to be purified in status of my sensitivity?
Is it wrong that I chose to be pauperized in wealth of my ingenuity?
Is it wrong that I chose to be glided in wings of my liberty?
Is it wrong that I chose to be pampered in dreams of my destiny?
Is it wrong that I chose to be survived in passion of my vivacity?
Is it wrong to be what I want to be?
If it is... Yes! I am a loser!
Loser in the masked world!
Dream
19/2/2010
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the rosy petal of the morning bloom.
To incarnate as the mild dew of dusky gloom.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the whelming rainbow of the cloud scatter.
To incarnate as the sharp lightning of tumultuous thunder.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the wailing cry of a whining baby.
To incarnate as the wobbling steps of a newborn pony.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the melodic tune of the aesthetic mind.
To incarnate as the pedagogic quote of the poetic bind.
Dwelling in the drab of spiritless essence, pseudo named as life…
I have a dream…. to incarnate anew, experiencing the solace of a momentous ride.
And to wither away in the ashes of illuminated pride.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the rosy petal of the morning bloom.
To incarnate as the mild dew of dusky gloom.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the whelming rainbow of the cloud scatter.
To incarnate as the sharp lightning of tumultuous thunder.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the wailing cry of a whining baby.
To incarnate as the wobbling steps of a newborn pony.
I have a dream…. to incarnate as the melodic tune of the aesthetic mind.
To incarnate as the pedagogic quote of the poetic bind.
Dwelling in the drab of spiritless essence, pseudo named as life…
I have a dream…. to incarnate anew, experiencing the solace of a momentous ride.
And to wither away in the ashes of illuminated pride.
Remembrance
17/2/2010
Riding through the eerie darkness, the flash of lights flow across the window pane,
Bringing back the wink of memories!
Gazing through the mellow smog, the swivel of breeze shiver the nerve,
Bringing back the touch of vagaries!
Laying softly on spongy back, the mystifying music melts the soul,
Bringing back the tingle of melodies!
In the essence of vehement solitude, I look through the oneness of the sky enveloping us.
Surviving the excruciating pain of crucified heart, hopes of remembrance, within me lies!
Riding through the eerie darkness, the flash of lights flow across the window pane,
Bringing back the wink of memories!
Gazing through the mellow smog, the swivel of breeze shiver the nerve,
Bringing back the touch of vagaries!
Laying softly on spongy back, the mystifying music melts the soul,
Bringing back the tingle of melodies!
In the essence of vehement solitude, I look through the oneness of the sky enveloping us.
Surviving the excruciating pain of crucified heart, hopes of remembrance, within me lies!
Let Me....
2/2/2010
When I’m laid amidst the deafening crowd, with the slightest budge… with not a wink,
I’m conversing with myself……. Let me think!
When I’m stranded between lost paths, with the confused grimace… with a daze,
I’m fighting with myself……. Let me choose!
When I’m faced with 1000 piercing eyes, with the coy smile... with shaky legs,
I’m rummaging for words….. Let me speak!
Living in a world caught up in the mesh of dying souls and inevitable changes… LET ME BE MYSELF!
When I’m laid amidst the deafening crowd, with the slightest budge… with not a wink,
I’m conversing with myself……. Let me think!
When I’m stranded between lost paths, with the confused grimace… with a daze,
I’m fighting with myself……. Let me choose!
When I’m faced with 1000 piercing eyes, with the coy smile... with shaky legs,
I’m rummaging for words….. Let me speak!
Living in a world caught up in the mesh of dying souls and inevitable changes… LET ME BE MYSELF!
Survival
20/1/2010
With broken dreams and like the tsunami that gorged me …. I’m washed away, I’m numb.
I survive!
With broken heart and like the world stood still…. I’m shattered, I’m paralyzed.
I survive!
With broken wings and like there’s no air to sustain me…. I’m teared, I’m fluttering.
I survive!
I rise.. .I rise from the ashes, for I am…. I am the spirit of Phoenix!
With broken dreams and like the tsunami that gorged me …. I’m washed away, I’m numb.
I survive!
With broken heart and like the world stood still…. I’m shattered, I’m paralyzed.
I survive!
With broken wings and like there’s no air to sustain me…. I’m teared, I’m fluttering.
I survive!
I rise.. .I rise from the ashes, for I am…. I am the spirit of Phoenix!
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